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Wednesday, August 9, 2017

WITH APOLOGIES TO MOTHER GOOSE (REDUX)




(Some of these I've run before & some are new.  Deal with it.)


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule.
The cafeteria lady was surprised to see a lamb at school.

She offered to take care of it and Mary said, “All right.”
At lunch she got the “special” and took a great big bite.

“Yummy,” she thought and she had another slice.
She knew that all the other kids had thought her lamb was nice.

The thought of a ham sandwich tomorrow simply made her drool
And she wondered if she could get her pig to follow her to school.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub.
And why do you think they were there?
They had just left the pub.
And they needed to scrub
So their wives wouldn’t smell the liquor on them.

THE OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She knew she had too many, but they were all so cute.
They needed a bigger place to live in so she bought a knee-high boot.

LITTLE BO-PEEP

    Little Bo-Peep has lost her pigs, 
    And can't tell where to find them; 
    Leave them alone, and they'll come home, 
    Curling their tails behind them. 

    Little Bo-Peep fell fast asleep, 
    And dreamt she heard them oinking; 
    But when she awoke, she found it a joke, 
    It was Boy Blue, there for their frequent boinking. 

    Then up she took her little crook, 
    Determined for to find them; 
    She knew her father would yell, for he couldn’t sell 
    Pigs with no tails behind them. 

    Then later that day, as Bo-Peep did stray 
    Into a meadow nearby, 
    She saw curly parts of their hide, hanging side by side, 
    All up on a clothesline to dry. 

    She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye, 
    And ran as fast as any New Yorker; 
    She and Blue tried what they could, as pig herders should, 
    Playing “Pin the Tail on the Porker”.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
One for the master,
And one for the dame,
And one for the IRS man,
Whose office is down the lane!

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he steps out of place, throw a pie in his face,
So say Larry, Curly and Moe.

GEORGIE PORGIE

Georgie Porgie, Puddin' and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When facing a sex discrimination suit,
He refused to testify and remained mute.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE

Hey! diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon;
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And diddled the dish ‘til it ran away with the spoon.

WEE WILLIE WINKIE

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Up stairs and down stairs in his night-gown,
Tapping at the windows, crying at the locks,
“If I left my clothes at your house, stick ‘em in the mailbox!”

 SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie;

When the pie was opened,
The birds sang and wouldn’t quit,
And that’s when the king said,
“I can’t eat this shit!!”

The queen was in her counting-house
Counting out her money;
The cooks gave her some blackbird pie
Which she said tasted funny.

The maid was in the garden
Drinking a bottle of beer;
She asked, “Who gives a damn about blackbird pie
When I’m having so much fun right here?”

JACK SPRATT

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
Mrs. Spratt became so fat
That when he stood beside her, he couldn’t be seen.

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
Because her poor dog was getting thinner.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so they went out to dinner.

A-TISKET A-TASKIT

A-tisket a-tasket
A green and yellow basket
I wrote a letter to my love
And on the way I dropped it,
I dropped it,
I dropped it,
And on the way I dropped it.
A little boy he picked it up and put it in his pocket.
I prbbly shd hv txtd hm!

HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran into the shower;
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran out;
He had an appointment in half an hour.

DIDDLE, DIDDLE, DUMPLING

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
I should have made him sleep on the lawn!!


 HUMPTY DUMPTY

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
But if the TV ads are true,
They could’ve done it with Crazy Glue!!

 LONDON BRIDGE

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
So they moved it to Lake Havasu.

OLD KING COLE

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Every fiddler he had a fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he;
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With King Cole and his fiddlers three.
Watch for the Reunion Tour in your city SOON!

PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Roll it, Pat it and mark it with B,
I wonder if this comes in a mix?

PEASE PORRIDGE HOT

Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old;
Some like it hot, some like it cold,
But I wouldn’t eat it if it's nine days old.


ROCK-A-BY BABY

Rock-a-bye, baby,
In the tree top:
When the wind blows,
The cradle will rock;
When the bough breaks,
The cradle will fall;
Down will come baby,
Cradle and Child Protective Services


SIMPLE SIMON

Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Let me taste your wares.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Show me first your penny;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Indeed I have not any.
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
Get lost, you creep!!


LITTLE JACK HORNER

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
Eating his Hanukkah pie.
He put in his fork,
And he pulled out some pork,
And said, "This pie is definitely *traef."


*Not kosher


 JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
They both fell down,
And I don’t know what happened,
But Jill came home with $2.50.

15 comments:

  1. Polly put the kettle on - and strangely enough it fitted here.
    Mother Goose could learn from you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "People my age are so much older than me" I'm finding that too.
    My favourites today are CSI Disney and the Old Woman formerly of Shoe Abode now living in Highrise Boot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "People my age are so much older than me"--I've felt that for years!!

      Delete
  3. I always suspected that school lunch ladies were butchers in disguise. It's the hair nets.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  4. Loved the desperate housewives. Can't believe you are the first to notice that 9 day old porridge would be disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that was before refrigeration!!

      Delete
  5. These are cute. But have you ever really listened to how disturbing nursery rhymes really are?
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  6. This gave me several snorts! I particularly enjoyed London Bridge, Rock-a-Bye Baby, and Mother Goose watching that cow jump over the moon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A sizeable degree of satisfaction is salvaged by your snorts!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.